Stop Kidding Yourself Uncle Rico

You aren't the star you thought you were

I am on many Zoom meetings these days, as are many of you. By this time, we’ve seen it all: the good, the really bad, and the downright ugly.

Meetings that drone on and on with seemingly no purpose but to fill the allotted time slot. Meetings that leave more questions than they provide answers. Meetings that take us away from real work.

So many meetings. So little time left for anything else of real meaning.

Yet in almost every meeting, one or two people think they are the star. The smartest people in the room. They drone on and on trying in vain to show just how smart they are or how much they know. They dominate the conversations with whatever is on their mind - sharing every thought the moment they have it, often interrupting or cutting off someone else in the meeting when they do it.

These Zoom Stars feel like direct descendants of Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite. If you haven’t seen it, run, don’t walk, to watch it. It’s oddly hilarious.

“If coach would have put me in fourth quarter, we’d have been state champions. No doubt. No doubt in my mind. You better believe things would have been different. I’d have gone pro in a heartbeat. I’d be making millions of dollars and living in a big ole mansion somewhere, you know, soaking it up in a hot tub with my soul mate.”

- Uncle Rico

These overinflated ego dirtbags love to hear themselves talk. They love taking center stage and holding onto that mic like Steve Perry of Journey (the band fired him eventually). And here’s the thing, we let them. While they go on and on about whatever amazing things they’ve done or facts they want to share, we scroll on our phones, open up new tabs on our browsers to Buzzfeed or Reddit or check our email for the 30th time in an hour.

Here’s how to tell if you are Uncle Rico on your Zoom.

• People have expressions on their faces like they are attending an execution, a castration, or watching paint dry.

• You fail to ask if anyone has any questions because why would they? You’re so smart you already answered whatever questions they may have been thinking.

• You dominate the conversation like the Intimidator at Daytona.

  • Have you ever checked your Zoom stats to see just how much you’ve talked during a meeting? “Wow, well done Uncle Rico, you spoke 80% of the time in a meeting of seven people!” No, no, no, don’t congratulate yourself or pat yourself on the back! That’s not a badge of honor you idiot.

• You come without an agenda and choose to wing it. “I don’t need a playbook coach, I’m the greatest QB ever to sling the rock.”

Here’s the ultimate test: have you ever had anyone ever in the history of all of your meetings come back to you to tell you how great you were or how grateful they were to have been in that meeting?

I know this might be harsh, but Uncle Rico, you aren’t the star you think you are. Not even close.

Most people avoid meeting with you because, well you suck. You aren’t smart or prepared, and you think the more you talk, the more we’ll be wowed into listening to anything you have to say. Hate to burst your bubble pal but we won’t. We’ll all just leave that Zoom meeting, go to the bathroom, stare into the mirror, and immediately start second-guessing our life choices.

Speaking of which, Uncle Rico just Slacked me and asked if I was joining his Zoom.

F my life.